It is Valentine’s day! The day of LOVE. I have so many things I want to share with you about how I finished off 2021, started 2022, picked my word of the year, updated my vision board, set my goals…. But this post is dedicated to Love. I have learned so much about love in the last several years and yet the more I learn the less I feel I know. But here are three things I do know.
- Love and belonging are different and you need both in order to cultivate joy and happiness in your life.
- Once you have developed genuine self love and feel and know of God’s love for you everything else is the icing on a delicious cake.
- Removing all expectations when giving love is hard but so worthy of striving for.
I ended 2021 listening to a book I am now listening to for a third time. The title is Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships by Greg Baer, M.D. Honestly, I couldn’t have listened to this book a few years ago. It would have been much too triggering. In a nutshell it claims, starving for unconditional, real love is at the root of all relationship issues. That seems much too simple yet it is the mantra on this mug I have had for many years. I can’t remember not having this mug. It made it to Arizona with me and even with the cracks and chips I can’t seem to throw it away, because of it’s trite yet simple wisdom “Love is the answer no matter what the question is”.
Two things came to mind, over and over, as I read this book. First it really resonated with the 4 questions exercise Byron Katie created and in fact helped me to embrace the 4 questions in a deeper, more meaningful way. If you aren’t familiar with Byron Katie’s books, I highly recommend them. My favorite is Loving What Is, it was life changing for me. The book Real Love helped me to see the application of the 4 questions and the turnaround Katie talks about, from a different viewpoint. I decided to investigate the concepts from this book, Real Love, using a scientific point of view. Thinking about the concepts as a hypothesis and questioning it when any discomfort came up for me. So far I haven’t been able to disprove the concepts as it relates to relationships or Byron Katie’s 4 question approach.
The second thing that really resonated while I was reading the book is Christ’s example of pure unconditional love. I have such a different view of what Christ’s example is now than I did several years ago. Years ago, I was stuck in my thinking that trying to be Christlike was turning the other cheek, self sacrificing, and boundaryless. This might be true if you are only looking at the surface. Yet in my despair several years ago I was forced to turn to God and build a deeper and richer understanding of Christ’s teachings and God’s love for all of his children. This is where I gained my sense of true belonging. Brene Brown says “In the absence of love and belonging there will always be suffering”. This may be where I take issue with the book Real Love. I think inherent in the application of Baer’s ideas is the assumption of having a sense of belonging.
There have been times in my life where I had completely lost my sense of belonging. Those are the times when all the outpouring of love wasn’t enough to take away the pain I was feeling. Those are the times I gave boundaryless, self sacrificing love away in order to get love. Without a sense of belonging I couldn’t heal my wounded child inside and became a broken, exhausted, empty vessel. I didn’t have a sense of trust, not even the ability to trust myself to be there when I needed it. In my brokenness, I began to build a closer and deeper relationship with God and develop my ability to trust in Him. Trusting that as I do my best, God will take care of the rest. This relationship is a heavenly cake allowing me to feel love and appreciate beauty everywhere I go. Anything beyond that is a gift. The delicious icing that comes and goes as life moves forward and surfaces the next challenge or delight.
It is with that knowing and relationship with God that I can give love in the best way I know how, honoring the needs of others as best as I can, completely removed from expectation. No expectations of making someone happy, or getting social adoration, no expectations of anything being returned or the love even being received or accepted. Those choices are not for me to make and as soon as I attach an expectation it becomes a transaction, a manipulation of sorts. The best kind of love is when there is no expectation, not even of being in favor with God. Just the pure sense of knowing I want to share love and so I do.
I am wishing you all that kind of love this valentine’s day and every day.
I am often asked why I moved to Arizona. I usually tell people, it was because of school. That is partially true but here is the rest of the story. The last several years have been crazily hard. I expected the divorce to be hard yet I hadn’t anticipated everything that happened. It was definitely a test, not only of my faith and spirituality, but also of my emotional health and physical well being.
A couple of years ago, almost a year and a half into my separation, I went on a little overnight trip to Manti with my mom and sisters. It was good to get away and have some fun. It was during a really hard time when my older kids were unhappy with me and I was hardly seeing them. My ex husband was doing everything he could to stall the divorce. I was struggling, grieving my loss, feeling very burdened and sad.
The last night of our trip I had a terrible dream where I was in a car that went out of control. It went off the road and was crashing down a hill through the trees and shrubbery, eventually crashing into a big tree. The final crash killed me and then I woke up. It was incredibly disturbing. I had never died in a dream before. I didn’t even think that was possible. Don’t you always wake up just before then and realize it was just a dream? I told my sisters about the dream, asking for interpretation. Googling for a dream interpreter and what it might mean they all said the same thing. It meant a rebirth or starting a new story. That made sense to me but it was still disturbing. I didn’t want to die, or start over.
As we all packed up and headed to the Manti temple for our last day. I was so overwhelmed. I had so many things on my mind that needed answers. Was I handling the divorce right? How do I do a better job helping my children with this? What should I do about work and the stress of my new work assignment? What was the dream telling me? I decided I would just ask my Father in Heaven what’s the most important thing for me to focus on right now. What is my highest priority? As I sat in the temple and prayed for guidance, a quiet voice clearly told me to go back to school and move to Arizona. I instantly wanted to argue and question the guidance. While I love school and I knew it was part of my future, someday, it wasn’t right then. It was the furthest thing from my mind and moving wasn’t on my radar at all. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was what I had to do. I came out of the temple and told my sis, “I have to go back to school and move to Arizona. She said are you sure? “No!”, I said. “I’m sure about school but the move part doesn’t sound right”. I had lived all my life in Salt Lake City. I love the mountains, being outdoors and the seasons. I never thought I would leave Salt Lake. Yet I couldn’t deny the guidance I had been given.
There were so many obstacles to following this prompting. I was in the middle of a divorce and couldn’t responsibly pick up and leave. My children, grandchildren, parents, brothers and sisters, friends, essentially my entire support system were all in Utah! Yet one of the things I had been keenly tuned into since I had taken out my endowments, only a couple of years earlier, was learning how to have faith, trust my Heavenly Father, and act on promptings. I had denied this for so many years in my life that it took a lot of courage to trust and act when given guidance by the Holy Ghost. I was relearning that taking action is the only way to grow in faith and build my spiritual confidence.
So I came home from that trip and started looking for doctoral programs I could start online. I found a program that perfectly aligned with my desires and background at Arizona State University. I added applying for the doctoral program to my already overwhelming list. I was accepted. Yet it had never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be accepted. Later, I found out it is hard to find an online accredited doctoral program and be accepted. I had planned to start in spring of 2020, thinking by then my divorce would surely be finished. I also started researching jobs that were remote or Arizona based with my current company. Unfortunately, all of them would have been at a lower grade and not aligned with my skills or interests.
For years I had been preparing for my dream retirement job. I was taking courses to become a coach and EFT (emotional freedom technique) practitioner. Yet this kind of change would mean starting over from a financial perspective and with the pending divorce I had no idea what my financial future would look like. I didn’t know how I would move, start a new career, and financially take care of myself after the divorce. At the same time I was struggling with work and all the required travel. I eventually had to take a six week leave from work. The emotional and physical demands were too much. During this time I prayed over and over often thinking I must have gotten this all wrong. But I was consistently told this was the thing to do. As I continued to move forward and act with faith I was watched over. Little-by-little I was getting the help I needed. I was offered a new role when I came back to work with less stress and no travel. Meanwhile the divorce continued to stall.
One day as I was pouring my heart out to my parents, my Dad said why don’t you retire so you can start your coaching business. It was like he had handed me a gift. Just like that, he had lifted the burden of my self-doubt, I had been carrying for so long, off my shoulders. It showed he had confidence in me and my ability, and it was reassurance that I deserved to go after my dreams. I also knew God had confidence in me, so the day I turned 55, I announced my retirement. In February of 2020 I retired and started my coaching business full time. The pandemic hit and I was able to stay home, go to school, and coach. Yet all the while I was wondering how I would get to Arizona. If I would even like it there. Because of the pandemic I couldn’t travel to check out the area or explore.
My Ex was unhappy I had retired and filed an order to try and get me to go back to work, threatening I was destroying marital assets. Thankfully the judge found no grounds for that and dismissed it. But he continued to fight for more money while at the same time delaying every court date. I began wondering if I would ever be divorced and decided I had better plan to go to Arizona divorced or not. Yet I was still hoping our next court negotiation in November would finalize the divorce. However another delay was filed and it went into December. The December negotiation failed and as a new court date grew near, I grew more and more stressed. Again I found myself completely broken and ultimately decided no amount of money was worth my mental health. So I had my lawyer write a proposal giving my Ex what he wanted in hopes to settle out of court. Perhaps that’s what my Heavenly Father was waiting for. Ultimately, letting go of my ego and humbly recognizing that no amount of money should get in the way of the guidance and direction I had been given, the divorce was settled. Finally on Dec 23rd, exactly 38 years from the day I was engaged to be married, I received my divorce decree and on January 1st, 2021 I signed a lease for a condo in Scottsdale. A new beginning.
Arizona already feels very much like home. It seems every day I am here I experience a small tender mercy that reassures me my Heavenly Father is still watching over me and I am following God’s plan for me. Do I still have doubts? Yes. In Fact just the other day I was struggling with self-doubt and as I prayed and turned to my scriptures I was taken to Romans 15:13 “Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Ghost”.
I am filled with hope and steeped in His love as I continue to have faith that he will guide and direct me on this new journey. I am in God’s hands, learning to turn my will over to him and trust more. Energized by the knowledge God is watching over me, I gratefully and humbly coach to inspire others to embrace their power, grow their spiritual confidence and achieve their dreams.
Well worrying is a fact of life. If we are pushing ourselves to grow and do new things there will always be things to worry about. However, sometimes worry can cause us to get stuck, or repeat unhealthy patterns we would like to eliminate. There are ways to help us manage and move through our worries in a better way.
Last December I held a workshop on worry and provided some tools and tips on how to work through worry and ease some of the discomfort. Recently I updated the handout and saved off the sections where we did a guided meditation and some tapping so you can listen to them without loading the entire workshop. This workshop just scratches the surface of things we can do to help ease our worries but in an effort to reduce all the worry in the world today, I wanted to share this with you.
A couple of notes: I chose to only share the audio to better protect the privacy of the attendees. Since it was a zoom workshop and we were all online I didn’t do a great job of stating each point we were tapping on. So if you are new to tapping I recommend having the diagram in the handout handy and moving through the points on the diagram as you tap, for the times when I am not stating the points.
I hope you find this valuable and share it with those who might need some extra support in managing their worries.
Much Love, Kim
For more resources check out my Become Triumphant Page
EFT stands for emotional freedom technique. It is a powerful tool and so simple. EFT uses elements of cognitive psychology and oriental medicine. The simple definition is, it is an emotional or psychological version of acupressure. There are over 200 evidence based studies now proving the benefits and efficacy of EFT as a way to address issues like anxiety, depression, stress, weight loss, money issues, phobias, and so much more. NOTE: In evidence based studies a repeatable process must be used. This is what is called “Clinical EFT”. Because EFT is so easy to use and flexible, often times you will see variation in tapping points and styles. In order to have evidence based studies, clinical EFT was used in order to ensure the same technique was used every time.
Recently a new movie was produced illustrating the science behind EFT. Watch the trailer posted here and message me if you would like to know more or have access to the whole movie. I have also posted my video I share with new clients to give them some background before our first session and a visual of the tapping points.
Tapping or EFT has changed my life! EFT is powerful because you can use it yourself as well as with a practitioner. I continue to use it every day along with many other techniques and tools I use for myself and with clients.
I have had some amazing experiences with clients when walking them through guided meditations. I use a meditation during a session if I think the client needs to move into a more relaxed state and open their mind to additional options or considerations. I also use it at the end of a session to ensure the client is feeling relaxed and peaceful.
One of my favorite meditations is designed to help a client resolve troubles or find solutions to challenges. When I am in a coaching session, I modify the meditation based on what they are working on, but I have also done group meditations using a more general approach and have had some fantastic outcomes. I would love for you to have a similar experience, so I am sharing the meditation for you to download.
There are a lot of meditations out on YouTube or the internet and I have downloaded and enjoyed many of them. I often wonder about the descriptions and guidance given and if there is significant meaning or methods in the guidance. I thought it might be helpful to provide some the of background and science around this meditation and my approach.
First, I use physiological techniques to cue the brain and body. The cues trigger a physiological response inducing relaxation and helps to put the body in an alpha state and relax the autonomic nervous system. This is important because to resolve issues or receive guidance you don’t want to be limited by your conscious mind. So, I have to get the body in a higher state of consciousness. This is a very different place than when you are reacting from your limited, small, conditioned, conscious mind. Some of these cues are “relaxing the tongue on the floor of the mouth”. This always calms the body. Check right now to see where your tongue is or any time you are feeling tense. By letting your tongue rest loosely on the floor of your mouth you are sending a signal to your body that there is no external threat. I also slow the breathing down. This often helps to put your autonomic system into a more relaxed state, calming the body and the mind.
Once you are in a state of higher consciousness, I bring in a counselor. I attribute this technique to Napolean Hill. In his book, Think and Grow Rich, he discusses bringing in his counselors. I love the idea of being able to create a board of counselors to help me with all my big decisions. This meditation brings in a primary counselor and any support beings you feel necessary. When you are in a relaxed state of higher consciousness you are more creative and open minded. I am constantly amazed at the creativity and the wisdom of my clients and the type of counselors they envision.
During the meditation it is also critical to make sure the client is in a safe space. Often times clients don’t have a real safe space. During the meditation it is critical to feel safe because any perceived threat prevents you from staying in a relaxed state. I also engage all 5 of your senses. This helps to access deeper parts of the brain and equip us to not only access memories from the hippocampus, but this also helps us retain what we learn during the meditation in our long-term memory.
Finally, this meditation has you work with what is troubling you. We pull the troubles out of our body in order to distance you from your troubles and to acknowledge you are not your troubles or your disease. Often, clients want to get rid of their troubles, however, hard times and troubles are still a part of you. We don’t want to label a part of ourselves as wrong or bad or ugly. Your troubles exist because in some way they are trying to protect you or help you from a perceived threat. This meditation is designed to integrate and transition those troubles into a gift because they are gifts of knowledge and learning. This is an important part of your healing journey. We want to process troubles and transition them into something more positive.
I hope you enjoy this meditation.
Do you have a bucket list? I have multiple vision boards, an audio vision board, and a digital vision board but I had never really sat down to make a bucket list until this year. As I began making the list it brought up a lot of emotion for me. I realized I was starting to feel hopeful again. Just making the list inspired me to dream and allow myself to consider I might actually get to do some of these things. It was a great activity and super fun just to brainstorm all the exciting things I would like to do and achieve. Many of them were things like visiting far off places, learning about new cultures, finishing my book, singing a whole song on key, learning to fly fish, the usual kind of bucket list items. Soon after I made my bucket list along came COVID-19. It hasn’t dashed my hopes, but it definitely meant some of my travels would be delayed and that’s where God comes in.
My sweet kids gave me a journal making kit, for Mother’s Day. They know I love to journal and when I finished it, I knew this one was extra special and needed a special assignment. So, it’s my “I see the lord’s hand in…” journal. What does that have to do with my bucket list? Well one of the items on my bucket list was to go to a sunflower farm. I love sunflowers. It is like they somehow call to me. Since I have learned they actually recorded sunflowers making a melodic song, maybe they actually do call to me. That love is why visiting a sunflower farm was on my bucket list. I figured this meant traveling to the Midwest, or Italy, or Spain. With COVID-19 and many other things in my life in a state of unrest this item seemed far off.
But our Heavenly Father is always watching over us and today in my special journal I wrote about how he brought the sunflowers to me. Because of COVID-19 a little farm in the Wasatch Valley, CrossERanch, decided to plant 14 acres of sunflowers. Saturday, I got to wander through rows and rows of those beautiful sunshine faces in all shapes, sizes, and colors. It truly filled my heart with sunshine, happiness and optimism as I acknowledged God’s hand in my life. The symbolism was not lost on me. Sunflowers put themselves in position to directly receive the sun’s rays and are often thought to represent faith and loyalty in something bigger and brighter than themselves. He sees us, He knows us, He is watching over us, and He loves us. Where do you see God’s hand in your life?
Do you have a big goal, yet you just haven’t been able to get any traction? I do. I need to improve my health and fitness. Gradually over the last few months I have been increasing my activity and thanks to finding B3 Bands I have been able to increase my activity significantly. But it hasn’t been enough, so I decided it is time to start kedging.
What is kedging? It is a technique used when you are sailing to help move the boat against a strong tide. Years ago, when ships didn’t have engines and they were trying to get to shore, if the wind wasn’t cooperating and the tide was strong, they couldn’t get there. Doesn’t that feel like our lives sometimes? We are trying so hard, but it seems like things keep coming up to block us or slow us down?
To fix this the captain would put a light anchor, called a kedge, on a boat. A bunch of strapping young men would row the boat out 600 feet or so and drop the anchor. Next the crew would pull like daemons to haul the ship to the anchor and then they would do it again until they got to shore. It sounds like a lot of work but may be the only way to overcome strong winds or a tide to get you to the shore.
My version of kedging was adding additional coaching to get me back on track. First, I worked with my Emotional Freedom Technique coach to eliminate any core beliefs, entrenched stories and/or secondary gains I might be struggling with related to weight, health, and fitness. A secondary gain is when there may be unconscious benefits to keeping the weight on. An example of a secondary gain is when someone is sick and getting disability checks, if they get well, they will lose their income. Another example would be if someone starts achieving their goals, they may have a fear their spouse will leave them. So, in other words you have an unconscious benefit to staying the way you are. A core belief is when you have a deep seeded belief about yourself that prevents you from achieving goals. Examples of core beliefs are I don’t deserve this, or I am not good enough, etc. And a story is basically the story you have been telling yourself about who you are.
Working with my coach was huge. I had some amazing breakthroughs. I coupled this with attending the Tony Robbins Virtual Unleash the Power Within workshop which was four 12-hour immersive days of working on changing the stories you have been telling yourself.
Normally when this is a live session one of the evenings you walk on coals. But of course, virtually this wouldn’t be safe so instead they sent us all a board. The goal was to break the board with our bare hand, showing us how much power, we have in overcoming our fears. So, as part of the exercise I wrote my fear on the top of the board and then on the other side I wrote who and what I would be without that fear. Breaking the board was a metaphor for breaking through my fear to the other side. I recorded breaking through the board. I decided to be vulnerable and share it with you. Every time I listen to it, I smile at myself and my 10-year-old giddy little girl laughter. By the way I was at home alone with my dog Ellie when I did this. So, she is the one I celebrated with.
The point is sometimes we need to do a little kedging to get us back on track. Kedging for you may be signing up for an adventure trip you need to get in shape for, agreeing to give a presentation you don’t feel quite ready for, hiring a coach to keep you accountable, signing up for a workshop, or making a pitch to an investor forcing you to define your business.
How am I doing on my fitness goal? I am 6 days in to my 10-day detox and feeling awesome. Take a look at your goals and if you are feeling stuck or things out of your control like COVID-19 are getting in your way, maybe it’s time to start Kedging.
Learn the New Way I Exercise from Home and Boost my Immune System,
I can’t tell you how excited I am about my bands. BFR has been around for ages but these are the only bands that are safe, waterproof, convenient and comfortable. I still have a long way to go but I am already feeling the benefits of using my B3 Bands. I have reduced my arthritis medication, I have less pain, I feel stronger and I can finally do some light jogging again. Exercising in the outdoors is one of my primary ways to reduce stress and I am so thankful I can do more now. As I learn more about the benefits of the bands I get more and more excited.
B3 Bands may be the solution for everyone from 8-90 years old, to get health boosting exercise even right from home.
Everyone understands the benefits of exercise . . . but do they also know vigorous exercise for 45 minutes can boost your immune systems ‘natural killer cells’ by up to 10 times?
- Imagine doing a 10 minute light exercise session at home with no equipment or weights and getting the benefit of 45 minutes of vigorous exercise
- Imagine going for a 10 minute walk and getting the benefit of 45 minutes of vigorous exercise
- Imagine exercising from work in 10 minutes and not even changing your clothes and getting the benefit of 45 minutes of vigorous exercise
On June 26, Dr. Mike did a presentation on B3 Bands and the benefit to your Immune System with light exercise, you can watch it now online: Recorded Presentation
Scientific Proof: Science proves that 45 minutes of vigorous exercise boosts your immune system. Read this study
- If you want to fast forward to the summary: ‘during exercise, the number of some immune cells in the bloodstream can increase dramatically by up to 10 times, especially ‘natural killer cells‘ which deal with infections’
Proof on BFR: Science proves light exercise with BFR creates the same benefits to your Immune: Read this study on BFR
- If you want to fast forward to the summary: ‘the recent literature has pointed out that metabolic stimuli (induced by resistance training plus BFR) such as hypoxia and metabolic overload (H+, Pi, lactate accumulation) are also potential activators of IL-6, macrophages and neutrophils‘ and ‘ BFR exercises, although characterized as low force exercises, are effective not only to increase the MPS response, but also the multitude of immune cell responses that accompanies muscle hypertrophy’
If you are ready to exercise the new way and boost your immune system, contact me and I can help you order your B3 Bands or go right to my web page to learn more or place your order!
All of us need to focus on improving our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Exercise can helps us thrive in all three areas.
Much Love, Kim
I was recently marked down a half a point on a paper I wrote for graduate school. The paper was focused around self-critiquing your leadership style based on the many tools available, to determine our communication style, behavior traits and motivators. I focused on the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, DISC, and Gallup’s CliftonStrengths. Have any of you taken any of these?
Just to get the mystery out of the way “What am I?” My Enneagram is a 9 -The Peacemaker, a 2- The Helper, and 3- The Achiever (The Enneagram Institute, 2020). My Myer’s Briggs is an INFJ-A which is an assertive advocate with a role of diplomat (16 Personalities, 2020). In Gallup’s CliftonStrengths my top five strengths are learner, belief, focus, achiever and relator (Gallup, 2020). In DISC, I am supportive and persuasive (discprofile, 2020).
What does all this mean? Well the achiever in me wasn’t happy about the .5 markdown on my paper. The learner and the peacemaker caused me to pause and consider the professors feedback which was “would have liked to see more plan on improving weaknesses”. The peacemaker/supporter/belief in me was distraught by the fact I didn’t do something I should have. The persuader/coach in me is why I am writing this blog.
After years of taking multiple tests like these I have a lot of opinions about these tests that I didn’t share in my paper. One of the tenet’s in my coaching principles is – Tell yourself the truth. I think these types of tests are a great way to give you clues and insights as to how we interact and are perceived by others. But here is my bottom line. We should all be taking in input and owning who we are, why we do the things we do and what we do. For years I wanted red, more dominating, extroverted, competitive type traits to show up in my tests. Let’s face it in corporate America those things are rewarded with promotions and recognition. But I had to face it. That ISN’T WHO I AM.
I don’t believe in fixing my weaknesses I believe in becoming a better version of myself. Self-improvement, helping others, pushing myself to become a better version of me is in my DNA and part of me to the core (that’s my belief showing up). So much so that I probably didn’t detail it out enough in my paper because it’s obvious to me. Ha, that is a weakness! Communication is at the bottom of my list in Gallup’s CliftonStrengths. So is Woo and Competition. Well what do I do about that? I work on being more self-aware and mindful. I work on healing because the more I heal the more I eliminate limiting beliefs like I am not good enough. I assess my strengths and recognize that those strengths may also be my kryptonite. For example, being selfless may also mean I put up with crap way longer than I should, it may cause me to appear weak to others when in reality I have the internal strength of Thor. Being a supporter may mean I won’t be a CEO in corporate America, but it does mean they want me as part of their team, and it makes me an amazing coach.
So, if you take the Enneagram, which is quite popular right now, or any of the other tests. Think twice before you decide you need to fix something. Sit in some discomfort and be willing to own what it is telling you. Then decide to do something about it to bring you closer to why you are here on earth and what you are being called to do. Learn to leverage what is good, learn to value and honor what others are, but most importantly learn to value who you are!
I use my strengths every day to push myself out of my comfort zone and pioneer new things. I work to recognize my weaknesses so that I can find a way to offset them and support me in becoming a better person and achieve my life’s dreams and goals. I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming, not because I fixed my weaknesses but because I chose to own them!
16 Personalities. (2020). 16Personalities profile. Retrieved from 16Personalities: https://www.16personalities.com/
discprofile. (2020). Retrieved from DISC overview: https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc/overview/
Gallup. (2020). Gallup. Retrieved from CliftonStrengths: https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/253868/popular-cliftonstrengths-assessment-products.aspx
The Enneagram Institute. (2020). The Enneagram Institute testing center. Retrieved from The Enneagram Institute: https://tests.enneagraminstitute.com/
I ran my last triathlon almost two years ago. It was in the top 5 most challenging eras of my life. I had recently separated from my husband and requested no contact, so I could focus on getting the healing time I needed. My adult children were unhappy and barely talking to me. My youngest son was still in high school and really struggling. I was leading a team of 35 people through an organizational transformation. It was highly dependent on technology from a different team and it was significantly behind schedule. This was causing my team incredible amounts of stress and anxiety. My team was very unhappy, and morale was low. I was working anywhere from 12 to 16 hours a day and traveling to NY for two weeks then home a week then NY for two weeks, etc. My house was in various states of disrepair with a leaky roof, unfinished rooms, a barely working heater and no air conditioning.
So, I did what I had always done. Kept smiling on the outside, decided I could gut my way through anything, and tried to manage my stress by working out. I started training for a sprint triathlon. I bought a bike in NY and stored it at the office. I found a hotel close to a park and next door to a rec center with a pool. My coach at home gave me virtual workouts and tracked my progress through my Garmin results. Then she adjusted my workouts based on how I was doing.
I met with a therapist when at home and checked in via phone while I was traveling. I did my best to continue letting my kids know I loved them, no matter what! I worked tirelessly with my youngest to help him deal with his anger, stress, and anxiety. I worked hard and trained hard. Finally, the day came for my sprint triathlon. I wanted it to be a statement. Proof that I could do anything I put my mind to. A message to myself and others of victory. A story of triumph.
I was nervous that morning. While I knew I had given my training everything I had to give, I wondered if it was enough. I worried that most of my training was at sea level and we were at high elevation. Honestly, I knew I was tired. I wasn’t worried about the swim. I am not thin, so I have plenty of buoyancy. I love the water and the race was in a lake. I love open water swimming. The race started and I moved with the crowd into the water and started the swim. After several strokes and what felt like constant people running into me, I started to feel like I was swimming in quicksand. I didn’t grasp what was happening until someone stopped and asked me if I was OK. I looked around and realized I had hardly moved at all. I was one of the last swimmers. My heart was racing, and I thought to myself, “I am having a panic attack”. I worked to relax and get myself in a rhythm, thinking about how good the water felt and what a beautiful day it was, to calm myself down. I turned onto my back, but I don’t like the backstroke. I much prefer the crawl it is more relaxing, so I just tried to swim slow and breathe relaxed. Finally, the swim was done, and I was walking out of the water. The swim had taken almost twice as long as the last time I had done this triathlon. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make up that kind of time.
My mindset changed from getting a PR to finishing strong with the best bike and run I could muster. I got my bike and pushed hard through the 12 miles, changed over to the run and worked as hard as I could to get through. I was one of the last ones finished. I was tenth in my age group (not many 53-year-old females) and it took me 2 hours and 50 minutes. I was so disappointed. I tried to find comfort in the fact I had finished. But I was disheartened and exhausted. The 60-minute drive home was so lonely and long. I paid a huge price for pushing myself that hard. I ultimately ended up having to take a six week leave from work and had trouble doing any kind of exercise for several months.
Finally, I was able to start walking again. But every time I would try to jog my joints and muscles would scream out in pain. I couldn’t go fast enough to get my heart rate up. I hired a personal trainer and we worked for three months on trying to build my strength to try and compensate for the pain in my back and knees, but I hardly made any progress at all. With all the stress and inactivity, I gained weight and the increased weight just made everything harder. I was starting to feel like there was no hope. Then a dear friend introduced me to B3 bands. I was skeptical for sure! But I started using them. I have only been using them for three weeks and for the first time in almost two years I was able to slowly jog almost two miles. I was elated. I finally feel some hope again.
“The B3 Bands are based on a scientific discovery in exercise that uses BFR (Blood Flow Resistance). While doing light exercise with the B3 Bands on my arms or legs, the blood exiting out of the venous system back to the heart is slowed down. This reduction in blood flow while doing exercises causes the muscle to fatigue quicker. When a muscle fatigues, a signal is sent to the brain which results in a surging hormone release. These hormones then send a signal back to the muscles to stimulate them to adapt. This hormone release has many other anti-aging and rejuvenating effects on the Body.” Dr. Mike DeBord
I wanted to wait and share this information with you after I had started losing weight and was able to run further but I am so happy about getting stronger that I can’t keep quiet! I feel so blessed to have been given this new tool. If you want to learn more about B3 bands or try them out, please message me or checkout my website – B3 Bands. I am looking forward to keeping you posted on how I am doing and have my sights set on doing an Olympic triathlon once again!!
Sometimes things don’t turn out as planned but there is always a lesson that eventually will become a gift to get you through the next big thing and help you on your journey going forward. You may have to take a different route but never give up.
My Company Name, Courage To Emerge Triumphant, is a bit clunky and awkward, it doesn’t work very well for branding or trying to use for business accounts, domain names, logos and such. But, for right now I am keeping it. I connect with it. If I have learned anything in life, it is stay true to what resonates with you and feels authentic. If someone asks me, where do you work, Courage To Emerge Triumphant is almost like one of those silly jokes where you can say “I know you are but where do you work?” Yet, who wouldn’t want to work for a company where there is Courage To Emerge Triumphant. Let’s break this down.
Courage is actually a medium vibration word. It can be positive but it also implies your going to have to do something hard. All kinds of things take courage. It took courage for me to train and run 5 marathons. The last one I trained all by myself with a knee injury so my long training runs took 6 and 7 hours. Maybe some would say that’s stupidity. I call it courage. The runner, John “The Penguin” Bingham, has one of my favorite quotes. “The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”
Courage is also speaking your truth, admitting to yourself your marriage is unhealthy and needs to end even when some of your grown children, church community, and friends disagree. Courage is retiring from your corporate job at age 55 and starting your own business doing what you feel you were called to do for as long as you can remember. Courage is choosing to be your authentic self regardless of what others think you should be. Courage is limiting time with people you love and care about but don’t support you in becoming a better version of yourself. You get it! Courage comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Moving on to Emerge.
Emerge is the word that inspires me to love butterflies. It’s a power word describing the action of coming out of the cocoon. I used to think if I could just Emerge! Like it was a one time event. I have since learned, a life well lived is a continuous process of emerging from an old form to a new and improved one. I recently read a quote, in Jim Kwik’s new book Limitless, “If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If broken by an inside force, life begins. Great things always begin from the inside.”
Have you ever watched baby chicks hatch? It is mesmerizing. The second I see the first little hole in the egg I am instantly turned into a cheerleader. I am willing that little chick to break out and desperately wanting to help, but know if I do it’s over. It all up to them just like in life. As a coach I can give people all the right tools and conditions, just like we give an egg a warm incubator safe from predators. But, in the end, it is ultimately up to us to break free. When that little chick Emerges from the shell and walks on those wobbly legs for the first time, I feel euphoric! Which brings me to the final word, Triumphant.
Triumphant is a very high vibe word. Triumphant isn’t a one time event either. Triumphant is when you cross the finish line. It’s looking out my window and savoring the joy in watching a hummingbird drink nectar from the feeder. It is making the difference in the life of others. It is standing up for what you believe in. It is standing up for yourself and saying NO to a bully at work, or in your home. Triumphant is sitting peacefully alone and truly knowing you are loved and enough. It’s inspiring others to become a better version of themselves.
That’s why my company name is Courage To Emerge Triumphant! It’s an awesome place to be!
The other day I was walking my dog, Ellie, in the park. A father and daughter were walking behind us. We were keeping our social distance and so they were back several feet. I could hear her chattering away about COVID-19. She sounded about 10 years old and so matter of fact. I thought to myself, “WOW will this will be part of our normal vocabulary going forward? Will wearing masks and keeping our distance become a part of our regular behavior? Does this give kids one more thing to worry about like drills for what to do when there is a shooter in the school? Or why we have long security lines and guard dogs at the airports?”
I work with people every day who often grew up feeling anxious about one thing or another, sometimes it has become debilitating other times it shows up as a limiting belief blocking them from achieving a goal they are working on. While sometimes people have truly tragic things happen to them as children, it is a normal reaction for all children to feel uneasy about what is going on in the world or pick up on their parent’s concerns and worries. Now more than ever it is good to talk to our kids about their feelings and give them loving ways to work through them.
I created this simple Coloring Book to help you talk to your children about feelings. It would be a great activity to use while home schooling. Allow your children to pick the color they want to use. Allow them to be creative and think outside the lines if they want to. In the book I refrain from using the word bad to talk about emotions because I think it is important for children to recognize all emotions are helpful. Some just aren’t as fun to experience as others. But they are all valid.
Creativity is another way to work through emotions and is good for kids and adults. In fact, I have paper always ready in my office for me to color on. Here is my latest crazy masterpiece. My son came in the other day and noticed it. He asked if my 2-year-old granddaughter had been there. I told him nope just “little Kim” needed to come out and play for a bit. Coloring is a great way to have a gentle conversation about the pandemic with your children and explore if your children are experiencing emotions, they aren’t quite sure how to handle or process.
There are many cool books and fun games out now that help kids think about emotions and how to manage them. I have listed some of my favorites below.
I would be amiss if I didn’t mention the power of EFT or tapping. Use the following simplified version of the personal peace process to help you and your children end their day. As you are tucking your children in ask them, “what did you like or not like about today?”, “what felt good or not so good about today?”, as they relay the events of the day gently tap on the tapping points or rub the points. This helps them get rid of all the garbage they may have absorbed throughout the day rather than it being reinforced in their minds. It dumps out the trash so to speak and can even help them rest and get better sleep. As your children are talking, remember it doesn’t matter whether the child’s interpretation is reasonable, what matters to a child’s psyche is the effect the event had on them and the emotions they were feeling. You can ask probing questions to help them work through things or even provide some re-framing to help them look at things from a different perspective. If for example they are talking about a scary monster they saw on TV, while tapping you can say “Monsters on TV aren’t real”. When you are tapping it is more likely your child will absorb the message than if you are just talking about it.
I hope you enjoy the coloring book. If you have questions or suggestions, I would love to hear them.
I woke up today knowing I have a lot of homework to get done but also knowing it is Sunday. When I said my prayers last night I asked for help in being able to manage my time and focus. I asked for help so I could get my homework done and spend some time investing in my spiritual growth and growing closer to Thee. This morning, staring at my school assignment, the thought came. I should listen to my favorite spiritual YouTube while doing my homework. As they talked about Christ, like a lightning bolt, I was told it is time to share one of my biggest fears. Yes, I believe in personal revelation and acting on promptings. So here it goes!
As I have started my coaching and healing business one of the things I have really struggled with is sharing my personal spiritual beliefs. Not because I am afraid of personal judgement but because I love people so much that sometimes when I think about it I feel like my heart is going to burst! I believe this is my true calling and I have been prompted to do this all my life. Now, FINALLY, I am strong enough to act on those promptings.
I desperately want to help people grow, heal, thrive, and become who they are meant to be. My fear is that if I share my personal beliefs some people will shut down and decide “Oh she can’t help me, her beliefs will cause her to judge me and I won’t feel safe sharing with her”. The last thing I want is for my beliefs to limit who I work with. Because I know it doesn’t matter. I have worked with people addicted to drugs, addicted to sex, sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, anxious to start their own business, trying to achieve personal goals, going through a divorce, angry at their mother, struggling with eating disorders, stress, and anxiety, all religious beliefs from agnostic, to atheist, to Jewish, to Christian. Those who believe in Mother Earth, a higher power, some kind of Deity, Christ and on and on. I want people to know my heart.
My heart is that I want to see people happy, feeling peace and joy, thriving, growing, and becoming a better version of themselves. I am here to support you in that journey and wherever you may be in the process. The most important belief I have and use in my coaching is I believe I am a facilitator helping you to listen, hear and act on what you already instinctively know. I allow a safe place for you to express your fears, experiences and conflicts, help you process through them and move to a place of knowing better and feeling motivated to take action on what is best for you. Second I work with you to stay inspired and motivated to move forward in achieving the things in your heart and what you desire. I have a strong testimony of accountability and the importance of agency and owning the choices we make. Yes that is a religious belief but it is also one of Jack Canfield’s success principles. E + R = O or EVENTS + RESPONSE = OUTCOME. It is also a belief of high achievers regardless of their religious affiliation. The only item in this formula we have control over is our RESPONSE. It is what we have 100% responsibility for.
The fact that I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, is what keeps me grounded in helping others to achieve their goals. My belief in the importance of spirituality is what supports me to grow and work on myself as well as supporting and working with others to achieve success however that is defined by them. So I am going to stop worrying about whether communicating my religious beliefs will limit who chooses to work with me. I will start trusting that as I honor my authentic self and have faith, those who need my help will be led to me.
Now, back to my homework!
I Know this isn’t a fun subject but it is really important to understand, especially right now. First, we all have trauma in our lives. The important question is how do we work through trauma and have we processed it in such a way that it isn’t burdening us in our adult lives. The good news is you can overcome unprocessed trauma(s). It isn’t always easy but there are gentle ways to work through hard stuff and keep you feeling safe. This video is a quick intro about key elements, how we process trauma, and how we cope.
I hope you found this helpful and maybe even a little entertaining!
During this challenging time, I have worked with so many clients who have been triggered into a feeling of powerlessness. I am concerned that it is causing them to lose motivation and even more alarming lose hope. Here are some ways you can take back your power and start working toward the new normal we all have to get used to. It is time to feel empowered and hopeful.
Taking action in small ways builds self confidence and begins to build your “I can” muscle. Jack Canfield taught me this important principle and tool. Start by identifying small ways to tackle some of the messes or in-completes in your life. Brainstorm about things you are tolerating. It can be about health, finance, personal, or professional. It could be clean out your garage, fix a broken cupboard, put that stack of pictures in an album, fix a sprinkler, clean out your email box, or maybe it is dealing with a technology issue. Think about a relationship or maybe something physical. Walk through your home and make a list of things that irritate you. Do you have a junk drawer or a refrigerator that needs to be cleaned out? Write everything down in the “what is irritating me” column on the handout below.
Then fill out the next column by asking “how can I fix it?” This doesn’t mean you have to start fixing it. Just start writing what it would take to fix it. Maybe you thought of a relationship item you are tolerating. Fixing it might be apologizing or bringing up a difficult topic to discuss with someone. In the last column ask “is there someone who could help fix it?” Maybe this would require a trade with someone in your home or asking for assistance from a professional. Finally, put a date on each item of when you will complete it.
Having irritations takes away our mental capacity for focusing on our goals. It robs us of putting our attention and capability on the things we want to achieve in life. By allowing them to build up physically or in our subconscious it will eventually lead to overwhelm and a feeling of hopelessness. Now is the time for us to keep our eye on what is most important and what we truly want to create. Set a goal to take care of at least a few things on your irritations list each month, make a to do list based on your handout and don’t be afraid to ask for help!
We all need help sometimes. Why do you think Olympic and professional athletes have coaches? Having someone you trust to give you an objective and honest point of view while working to help you stay accountable for achieving your goals and dreams is critical to your success and growth. We all need help and support when we make the courageous decision to push ourselves into the discomfort of growth and creating a better version of ourselves. If you are stuck or so overwhelmed you don’t know where to start I would love to help you take that next step and ultimately achieve your goal.
Finally having balance is important and that means making time to play. Brainstorm a list of things you enjoy. Pick one thing on the list to do everyday. It can be as simple as dancing to a happy song or as complicated as planning and making a spot for a new garden. It is a great time to play! Commit to actively doing something you love everyday. Some of my favorites are: soaking in a bubble bath, meditating with a fragrant candle, coloring, making digital photo albums, writing, gardening, singing, crocheting, hiking, fishing, swinging, watching birds, playing with my dog Ellie, baking, art journaling, playing games, …. There are so many things we can do to bring us peace and joy.
Keeping a balance is essential. By doing these three things everyday,
- Take action toward cleaning up a mess or irritation
- Do something challenging to move you toward your goals
- Take time to play
You will begin to feel empowered and hopeful about your future. You have got this!
I will just start by saying I couldn’t think of a good picture for meditation. But pictures of my adorable puppy Ellie watching me create this blog makes me feel peace, joy, and blessed.
I have been wanting to blog about meditation for quite a while and during a time like this, meditation becomes even more important. This meditation uses EcoMeditation to help calm the body, slow the heart rate, and get in a deep relaxed state. This form of meditation was created by Dawson Church. The below recording is great to use for setting an intention for your day or for pondering to find answers for a pressing concern.
If you have tried to meditate before and just haven’t felt successful at it, EcoMeditation is for you. Dawson Church developed this form of meditation using 7 physical relaxation exercises that send signals of safety to the brain and body. It has been shown to reduce cortisol which helps build our immune system, and creates a significant amplitude of theta and delta, the brain waves characteristic of healing and creativity, and very low amplitudes of beta, the frequency of stress and anxiety.
If you are interested in the script to record the meditation in your own voice please message me and I will send it to you. Enjoy!
Yesterday was my goodbye retirement lunch at 3M. The team gave me a bracelet and a dragonfly necklace. I was so touched! How fitting! Dragonflies are a symbol of transformation and change. As I move into full time coaching as a resiliency and transformation coach, I am a bit melancholy. I have so many memories of great leaders, not so great leaders, really good and even magical times, yet some extremely challenging and tough times. I have spent the last 35 years in information technology and software engineering. I truly love it!
Now it is time to take those lessons and apply them to the next chapter in my life. As passionate as I have been about innovation, improving healthcare, & using technology, I am more passionate about people, and bringing wellness to the world through alternative medicine, behavioral health, energy psychology, and integrated care. I am convinced we can only improve our physical health by focusing on our spiritual and emotional health.
My love for data, learning, science, business & process improvement served me well in my career at 3M Health Information Systems and now I plan to use that foundation while coaching and working toward my doctorate. I am finally listening to that nagging voice begging me to do more.
My heart is filled with gratitude as I look back on the last 20 years with 3M. I have met some brilliant and amazing people I am proud to call friends. I have also met some difficult and challenging people I now consider gifts in my growth and progression. Most, I consider family.
Through long work days, significant regulatory events, building and launching new products, using natural language processing (NLP) to auto suggest codes, managing teams all over the U. S., traveling so much, I once had to freeze breast milk and ship overnight to my six month old baby, it has been quite a ride. Through births, graduation’s and divorce, my 3M family was there supporting me in my growth and development as a leader but more importantly as a person. So how very fitting to be given a dragonfly. It not only symbolizes change and transformation but also adaptability, self realization and renewal.
Here’s to new beginnings, new ideas, and going after dreams. Here’s to moving from natural language processing to neural linguistic programming (NLP), moving from recognizing revenue to recognizing self worth, moving from left brained activity to leveraging creativity and intuition.
“Realizing your true potential in a way that also benefits other people, is the ultimate expression of the power of the dragonfly” -Author Unknown
Thank You 3M Family, you will be missed!
2019 had a rough start. While I had started to make many changes and things were starting to look up, I was still feeling the deep sorrow of so much loss. I received counsel after counsel and many blessings encouraging me to be patient, yet my soul was seeking to accelerate my healing and I was beginning to wonder if the sorrow would ever go away.
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of our heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” – Rumi
Finally the sorrow began to shake from my heart and while I was in Rome new leaves began to grow. Each happy memory gradually replaced my sorrow and once again I began to feel joy. As, Sam graduated from high school, I found out I am going to be a grandma again, I met amazing women and entrepreneurs, I built new friendships, I started my coaching business, I was accepted into the doctoral program at ASU, and I reached my 20 year anniversary at 3M and announced my retirement, the new roots grew.
Of course, along with the highlights there are always a few low-lights. But, each happy event, new experience, new friendship, created a new memory for me to draw on as I moved forward. My coaches and therapist guided me to awareness. As I learned to observe my thoughts, the feelings they created and the actions I took, I learned to manage my thoughts more effectively. Eventually the joy came, growing deep roots, and the new leaves sprouted in the boughs of my heart. The counsel I received, changed from one of patience to one of faith and trust in the Lord. The more I let go of the timing for outcomes the greater my peace and joy grew.
Recently, I heard a story about a young boy who wanted to ride a carousel but was afraid to pick one of the horses that moved up and down. His grandma convinced him that it would be OK and she would hold onto him. So he agreed to sit on a horse that moved up and down. As the carousel took off and the horse gently started moving, Grandma stood by tightly holding on to the boy. About halfway through the ride the little boy turned to his grandma and said “I don’t feel safe, but I am”. I think that is what having faith and trust in the lord is all about. As we push ourselves to grow sometimes it doesn’t feel safe. Yet………. I am.
My word for 2019 was “POSITIVITY”. It was positivity that moved me to a place of immense gratitude. These last few weeks of the year my heart has felt swollen and sometimes so large I thought it would burst. I have felt such deep gratitude for so many blessings and it has brought me tremendous peace and joy.
I am so excited for this year and the new challenges I will face. Never before has my course seemed so uncertain and I am sure there will be many times that I don’t feel safe. Yet this year is 2020. The year of clear vision. What I am clear about is, I am moving in the right direction, I am safe, and my heart is filled with unimaginable peace and joy. I plan to fully embrace this carousel ride, trusting in the Lord, knowing that he has my back, and far better things will continue to come.
My word for 2020 is “INSPIRE”. Come with me on this journey. Let’s inspire each other to achieve our dreams and live a life full of passion and joy.
As I look back on life and some of the painful things I endured, I have often wondered how it is possible that I could be as happy and thriving as I am now. Margaret Lynch, one of my mentors, helps explain this with three definitions of self.
1. Self-esteem which is the belief that one has value or self worth.
2. Self-confidence which is trust in one’s abilities, qualities, & judgement. Self confidence is broken into two parts: inner confidence and earned confidence.
3. Self-efficacy which is the belief that one has the ability to initiate and sustain a desired behavior.
My childhood experiences resulted in me having very low self worth. I compensated for my lack of self and inner confidence, with earned confidence. I spent many, many hours reading self help books, going to training, and earning degrees, as a desperate attempt to build my confidence. But the problem with lacking inner confidence is no matter how much you learn, earn, achieve, or try to be perfect, it does not increase. Sometimes those things can tone down the inner critic or self-doubt but it lies dormant and can be provoked when something big comes up. So while I had a good amount of earned confidence by doing things for others, earning degrees, and building my career, my inner confidence and self esteem remained low. Or said another way I didn’t feel worthwhile unless I was giving or doing for others.
I spent many years in that state. As I approached 50 I was struggling with the recognition my marriage was failing, I was reading and searching for answers. Everyone I talked to and everything I read, would say “you need to work on yourself first and then the relationship will work out”. Silly, silly me! I translated that to, “I need to do more and give more!” That isn’t what “work on yourself” means!! Let me say it again!! Working on yourself doesn’t mean doing more things or giving more of yourself. It does mean, digging deep and coming to learn and know your self worth to the depths of your very core.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.”Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
For me this required a lot of healing from past traumas and investing more in, not my temporal growth, but my spiritual growth. Building my relationship with God, reconnecting with the Holy Spirit, building faith, and learning to love myself was what I needed to restore and work on. So back to my original question. How am I able to thrive after going through so much pain? First, all that giving and doing served me well for many years. I was able to raise 3 remarkable children, develop an immense love for learning, and build a lucrative career. It gave me knowledge to draw from when I needed it most. It helped me find the tools and resources I needed when things felt like they were falling apart.
As I look back on those years, where things began to unravel, I recognize how my low self-esteem played a big part in the unraveling. While I had been working so hard to be happy, I was living in constant fear of doing the wrong thing or making someone unhappy with me. I conned myself into believing I had control of how others felt about me and I was constantly pandering for love and validation, while sacrificing my own physical and emotional needs. But there was still that constant inner voice nagging at me, saying” you are meant for more”, “you deserve better”. So the second thing that allows me to thrive is I learned to trust that inner voice. That voice pulled me toward energy Psychology and tapping or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Energy psychology accelerated my healing, along with traditional therapy and spiritual development through prayer and scripture.
Third is once you have a stronger base of self esteem and inner confidence then you are more equipped to apply what you learn to changing habits and developing new behaviors. Now, I am embracing these new opportunities and starting to reinvest in my physical and emotional well-being. Each success reinforces & strengthens my self-efficacy.
That is not to say I don’t have plenty of triggers or more healing to do. In fact as I push myself to grow and pioneer new ways of relating and connecting with the world, I probably have more times of discomfort. Yet I also feel so much more inner peace and true joy. Now I have a deep enough foundation to take a step back,when something comes up, and say, “oh, there that is, a trigger, telling me I have something to work on, something to be curious about and learn from.” Now I recognize it as a gift, an opportunity to heal and grow. One of my mantras is “I will remember my pain and use it as a force for good in the world”. Seeing past hurts as gifts is so incredibly empowering. Once you heal, you don’t re-experience the pain, you simply remember it.
“A memory without the emotional charge is wisdom” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
There are many who play it safe and go through life in such a way that they never have to address those past traumas or build that inner confidence or true self-esteem. But I want you to know you were meant for more. Below is a link to one of my videos I created for an online summit. I am sharing it with you in hopes of helping you to find more ways to be TRIUMPHANT in achieving your life’s mission and start thinking about what you want to achieve in 2020. I am also offering up to three free EFT sessions through the month of December to help you reduce stress and remove roadblocks getting in the way of you achieving your dreams. It is as easy as scheduling a time using the link to schedule coaching services.
I am filled with gratitude at this time of thanksgiving and the first week of advent where the theme is hope. There was a time when I had lost all hope but I want you to know there is so much to feel hopeful about and it starts with you and your potential. I urge you to be courageous and reach for more, more joy, more peace, more happiness. Finding ways to live up to your full potential can be fun & so rewarding. Be courageous & invest in yourself so you can THRIVE and live your life wholly!! Watch Video
When I first started on this journey of growth and healing, people would say “you need to take care of yourself”. Honestly, I had little to no idea what that actually meant. At that time, my self care consisted of regular exercise, good nutrition, and getting my nails and hair done. The last two of these seemed indulgent and I would often feel guilty about spending time getting these done. These were all good things, but I was really hurting at this time and what little self confidence I had was destroyed. I was feeling very alone and needed to find ways to soothe and nurture myself. Gradually I started down the self care and nurturing road out of self preservation. First, I started doing things to take better care of my emotional well being like seeing a therapist, doing energy healing work, reconnecting with friends and family. These things saved my life and put me on a better path.
Next, I had to start taking better care of my physical well being. The top things I focused on were:
- Regular massages
- Taking vitamins
- Epsom Salt Baths
- More sleep
All of these things made a big difference and I really started to feel better physically. Yet this still wasn’t all I needed to really nurture and care for myself. So again I bumped it up a notch by doing two more critical things.
- I developed and committed to a daily and weekly routine. I use an acronym (SOW PEACE) to help ensure I my give self care the attention and focus I deserve.
- S – Scripture study daily
- O – Optimize my exercise at least 5 times a week
- W – Write in my journal at least 3 time a week
- P – Pray (every morning)
- E – EFT (tapping) every day on limiting beliefs
- A – Affirmations everyday (every morning)
- C – Clear negative energy daily
- E – Eco Meditate (every morning)
Each of these items, their benefit, and value, deserve a blog post on their own. I will write about each one in more detail in future posts. But, for this post it is enough to say, if I consistently focus on this acronym and maintain a morning and weekly routine, I feel happier and more peaceful. Your list will be different but the key is, identify those things that help you thrive and then make sure you start your day, end your day, and consistently invest in yourself and your well being on a routine basis.
2. The second and final thing I have done is really learn to love my body. I have always hated my body; I’m too fat, too sore, my legs are too short, my arms are too big… I am guessing you may know the drill. I have started to really learn how to nurture myself and love myself. Recently, I even added True Love Skin Care products to my routine. True Love Skin Care products are made with all natural ingredients and were a great way to bump up my nurturing. I use the Mineral Soak for foot soaks, Mimi’s mud for a facial mask and detox, Glow for facials, Professional Grade for my extra rough skin, Feminine Balm for area I chafe, and Deep Rub for my aching legs and knees. I love all of their products. So much so, I decided I had better start selling it as an independent true love skin care maven. If you are interested, you can find out more about these products by using this link: True Love Skin Care or contacting me. For promotions and success stories go to promotion code.
A product that has the words “true love” in the name must be good for me! As I learned more about the founders and the products, I realized they are the epitome of True Love. Here is a link giving more information on the products’ ingredients. True Love Skin Care Ingredients
As I rub the nourishing balm or deep rub in I use affirmations from Louise Hay’s Love Your Body. Some of my favorite affirmations are “I love my skin. My individuality is safe, the past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free and safe in this moment. My skin is youthful and smooth on every part of my body. I choose the thoughts that create joy and peace for myself. I love to caress my skin. My cells have eternal use. My skin is the mantle that protects and nurtures the temple I live in. I love and appreciate my beautiful skin and body.”
I hope each of you are able to truly give yourselves the care, love, and nurturing you deserve.
“To love yourself right now just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.” – Alan Cohen
I went to Rome in February. It was a major step for me, since it was the first time I had taken a vacation, for more than 10 days, in 15 years. It was also the very first time I would be taking a vacation alone. I loved every minute of this trip. It represented the passage to a new way of being for me and I discovered some empowering insights I want to share.
I’ve always wanted to see Rome and when they started to advertise tours to see the Rome temple open house for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it made the idea even more enticing. So, I booked it! It was several months in advance. I thought it would be a good way to celebrate my independence and welcome the next chapter of my life. Little did I know I would still be far from independent nor how long it would actually take me to get to a solid place in my healing journey.
Insight 1 – Deserving and Living in the Now
I struggled for weeks before the trip trying to rationalize whether I was deserving of the trip and feeling fearful something or someone would get in the way and I wouldn’t be able to go. The week before the trip the anxiety was so intense I was trying every tool in my emotional toolbox to reduce the worry and focus on all the last minute loose ends I needed to tie up at home and work. Even when I finally boarded the plane I couldn’t shake the feeling of unease. It took me a couple of days before I was able to completely relax and fully enjoy my trip.
I have been existing in a state of hyper-vigilance most of my life. Constantly searching for warning signals from other people’s actions, behaviors, and emotions. I learned this as a child to keep me safe and try to prevent people from getting angry with me. This type of tuning in to everything and everyone around me, means I mostly function from a very anxious and stressful state. Getting away from my normal surroundings and my work computer allowed me to sit back and truly enjoy the people and scenery in the moment. I also think being alone really helped with this because, it is too automatic for me to slip into a hyper-vigilant state and focus on people pleasing, when I am with friends or family. It was one of those rare times when I didn’t have to worry about sacrificing my own needs and desires to please others and could just relish every minute. Times like these help me really connect to who I am, what I value, and what I love in life. Being in that state is when I fully recognized I deserved to be on this trip and have this experience.
Insight 2 – Pondering my Faith
The first few days were spent on land in Italy. It was a whirlwind tour of Carrara, Pisa, Florence, Vatican City, and the Rome Temple. Seeing the stark contrast of the elegant simplicity in the Rome temple and the grand magnificence of St. Peter’s Basilica on back to back days was a profound illustration of the differences in religions. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint’s Temple and visitor’s center, focused on Christ’s ministry and resurrection. The Basilica is steeped in great works of ancient history, honoring popes, saints, and Christ’s crucifixion. Both were so awesome and inspiring to see first hand.
As I compared these two amazing Faiths and looked at them from this surface level view it caused me to ponder what felt right for me. I felt a huge amount of peace and gratitude for the temple, the teachings of Christ, the gift of repentance, the tremendous sacrifice He made for us, and knowing Christ’s resurrection is a pillar of my Faith.
Insight 3 – The Importance of Recovery and Recreation
On the fourth day of the trip we boarded the cruise and set off to explore the Mediterranean. We had crammed a lot in to those first few days and I was tired. It was the first time I had ever been on a cruise and I wanted to explore the boat. We sailed all night and docked in Savona, Italy. While I wanted to go on an excursion, I was tired from all the walking the three days before. I decided it was time for a little self care, relaxation, and recovery. I scheduled a massage, explored the ship, and enjoyed the spa’s hot tub and sauna.
The recovery time allowed me to be well rested for the rest of the cruise. I had renewed enthusiasm for new experiences and fun. It is easy to put self care and recovery time aside thinking if we just keep pushing and working we will experience more or become even better at whatever it is we are working toward. But it doesn’t work that way. This goes back to one of the principles taught by Stephen Covey in the 7 Habits. Taking time out to sharpen the saw (invest in self) allows us to be more productive and accomplish our goals faster.
It reminded me of earlier in the year when I was traveling for work, spending 12-16 hour days at the office, managing the emotional strain of separating from my husband, and training for a triathlon. I was pushing myself hard and just kept training, thinking the exercise was good for me and would give me more energy and make me healthier. By the time I got to the triathlon I was extremely anxious, not because I hadn’t trained hard but because I was feeling exhausted and depleted. It ended up being the slowest triathlon I ever competed in. Ultimately, a month later, I ended up having to take a leave from work because I was so depleted, I could barely function. It was a huge lesson for me. While in Rome, I was glad I knew better than to push myself. I recognized the necessity of taking time for recovery so I could really enjoy the rest of the trip.
Insight 4 – New Friends and Fun
The tour was mostly married couples. There were a few who had come with a friend or a sibling. I was the only one traveling alone. This did come with benefits. I got to pile all my junk in the seat next to me. 🙂 I was able to sit and visit with the tourist guides on a few occasions and loved getting to hear about their lives in Rome and get to know them better. It also caused me to reach out and get to know the others on the trip. I am quite introverted so it was good for me and I made some great friends!
Taking this trip was pivotal to my process of healing and growth. I have filled my memory bank with amazing moments, happy times, and good people. As I continue on my journey of learning to feel safe, being authentic and exhibiting confidence, I will draw on many memorable moments in Rome and along the Mediterranean. They will be there to replenish me during the rough spots and fortify my grateful heart as I celebrate good times and look forward to many more to come.
“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” – Gordon B. Hinckley
Looking forward to sharing more insights in Part 2.
I have always been a planner. I love to plan! But I had lost some of my optimism the last few years and planning has seemed more like a plea or desperate fight for survival rather than my usual fun activity.
This year planning has been an all time new experience! So many variables in my life have changed. For the first time, in maybe ever, I found myself creating a plan without worrying about who I needed to please but focused on what my true heart’s desire is. At first, it felt uncomfortable and I really struggled with it. I usually dedicate the week between Christmas and New Years for this activity but I was struggling. I mulled things over, pondered, questioned, brainstormed, mind mapped, prayed, and followed a great podcast series on The Brendon Show called #transformationweek. Eventually, I figured it out! 🙂
2018 In Summary
I started my review by summarizing the previous year. Last year I tried something new. At the end of every week I assigned a happiness score.
It was nice to see, as I moved to the end of the year, my scores were trending up. The other thing I noticed was my lows didn’t go as low and my recovery from a low was faster. My theme word I had selected for 2018 was AUTHENTICITY. I have heard, the more consistent you are in following your core values and being your authentic self, you feel less stress and anxiety. I liked seeing that as I worked hard to be more authentic my scores improved, even with the challenges and losses that hit me during the year. I truly feel my word choice was inspired and helped me navigate some of the most challenging experiences of my life. Some of these experiences have dramatically shifted my views on my career, my life, and what’s important. Take achievement for example. I have always been achievement oriented and still am but my motivation or “come from” has evolved over the years.
- As a child, achieving things was a means of trying to ensure I was valued, safe and loved.
- As a young adult, achieving things was a means to prove to the world I turned out okay in spite of my circumstances.
- As a wife and mother, achievement was focused on getting my husband’s love and approval.
- In the last several years, as my kids grew up and my marriage was shaky, I began to lose hope. Desperate for validation and not getting my needs met, I grew cynical about achievement and started to view it as a superficial and self gratifying endeavor.
- Today, I have shifted to a new place. I am back to loving and seeing the value of achievement. But my motivation or my “come from” is vastly different. Achievement is focused on pushing me to be my best, not for accolades or to please others, but to grow, to be my authentic self and strive to fulfill my purpose and God’s plan for me.
2019 Plan for Achievement
This new phase of life and shift in my belief system didn’t come easy. I had to break the deeply entrenched idea that my worth is solely based on what I do for others. It has been a gripping belief system that honestly letting go of was one of the most frightening things I have done in life so far.
2019 means living life in a way I never have before. My word for 2019 is POSITIVITY. I will tackle each hard thing with hope and light, and continue to find positive ways to build healthy relationships with my Heavenly Father, myself, my family, my friends and my associates. Every day I will gently alter a bad habit or limiting belief to empower me and serve others, not to prove my worth or get my sense of value, but to truly become my best self as a child of God working to accomplish what I was sent here to do. I have a renewed foundation of strength and courage. I am excited to try, to achieve, to dream BIG, and to put my authentic self out in the world. I will become better, stronger, healthier, kinder, and wiser. I will be an influence for good in a loving and positive way working toward my dreams and life’s purpose. Bring on 2019!
Advent is the beginning of the Christmas season. I love this Christmas carol and how it speaks of “the thrill of hope” the world experienced when Christ was born. Being faced with all kinds of changes this Christmas season, it has been really important for me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas and all the amazing blessings this brings. I have spent some extra time reading and learning about Christ, how we celebrate, and the meaning of Christmas. Every week of Advent traditionally has a theme. The first week’s theme is Hope. Over the past several years my hope slowly started to disintegrate until finally a few years ago I hit the bottom and had lost all hope. During that time I turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father for help.
While I have been very spiritual all of my life, I had slowly isolated myself from Christ, Heavenly Father, friends and family. I was consumed with my kids, my husband and my career and honestly was barely able to keep these things afloat. As my life made a turn for the worse I turned to my Heavenly Father and began praying frequently and fervently for guidance. This was the start of a four year journey back to my roots, rebuilding my testimony in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and re-establishing a close relationship with Christ.
Reflecting on this during the first week of advent and studying and praying about hope I came to the understanding that rekindling my hope consists of four things:
H = Healing
O = Open Heart
P = Prayer
E = Eternal View
As I first started to study the scriptures and learn more about the Atonement, faith, and forgiveness, I began to really struggle with some questions. What does turn the other cheek, or forsake thyself to server others, or be Christlike, really mean. This is when I became convinced that it isn’t enough to know and understand the Atonement, or to have faith. I think knowing these things is very similar to knowing how to eat right and exercise to lose weight. We all know the right things to do but that is not all there is to it. My faith grew every day and I could easily see how the Atonement and Christ’s pure love applied to people I loved and cared about. But I had trouble applying it to myself. I had to focus on healing past trauma and learn how to build self confidence and love of self. This was the only way to help me change behaviors that were causing me to get in my own way.
In one of my favorite conference talks Do We Trust Him? Hard is Good by Elder Stanley G. Ellis he asks “Do we have the faith to trust His promises regarding tithing that with 90 percent of our increase plus the Lord’s help, we are better off than with 100 percent on our own? Do we have sufficient faith to trust that He will visit us in our afflictions (see Mosiah 24:14), that He will contend with those that contend with us (see Isaiah 49:25; 2 Nephi 6:17), and that He will consecrate our afflictions for our gain? (see 2 Nephi 2:2).” I wasn’t able to have this kind of trust and faith in God’s promises until I was able to restore my trust and love of self and rebuild my relationship with Christ and Heavenly Father.
Past trauma’s exist for all of us. For some they can be truly debilitating. For most of us they get in the way and surface as limiting beliefs that hold us back from realizing our full potential or having and building healthy relationships. For all of us they impact our ability to feel hope at one time or another. The more we invest in our own healing the more connected we become to our inner strength and the hope of Christ.
As I began to trust God I opened my heart to really focus on forgiveness but also to really listen to the promptings and guidance of the Holy Ghost. Forgiveness was easy for me. I am not one to hold a grudge or retaliate against someone. What was hard for me was recognizing that forgiveness didn’t include automatically giving trust or respect.
These are earned and not automatic with forgiving. While forgiveness releases anger and any ill will toward someone, it doesn’t mean you approve of their behavior or will continue to subject yourself to it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you don’t need boundaries. In fact it is the opposite, it means you open your heart to loving and caring, that you have genuine empathy, and you respect others’ boundaries as well as your own. It doesn’t mean you take on someone else’s burdens or take on their suffering.
Forgiveness frees up space to allow more positive things into our lives. Opening your heart is an amazing gift that allows you to love and respect all of God’s children, to listen and seek to understand their needs, and do your best to provide them with service and unconditional love, while at the same time honoring their boundaries and yours. Keeping an open heart and staying in tune with the Holy Ghost to receive guidance, gives us direction and sets us free to feel hope.
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” – John 8:32
Prayer is our communication tool to keep the channels with our Heavenly Father open. I know our Heavenly Father listens and answers our prayers. Praying helps us build a relationship with our Father in Heaven. He has also given us the gift of receiving priesthood blessings. In a few of the blessings I have received, in past months, I have been blessed with patience.
There is no question I need this extra attention and focus on patience. As I have invested more in my relationship with my Heavenly Father and continue to ask for his guidance and direction, I have become more at peace with knowing answers may not come in the form and timing I would like them to. This requires greater emotional IQ and an ability to sit back and recognize emotions are indicators. It is important to feel our way through them and pray for help in knowing what they are telling us and how to navigate our way.
I pray more often now and for guidance on things I would have never even considered before. For example, I have always been a planner and list maker but for some reason it never occurred to me to make my list and then sit quietly in prayer and ask for guidance on my priorities and if I am focusing on the right things in any given day. It seems silly to me now that praying about this hadn’t occurred to me before. When in the past I often felt anxious and stressed about accomplishing the things on my list, now I feel calm and at ease, knowing I have my Heavenly Father’s guidance and support to accomplish the things I need to.
“It came to pass, that Jesus also being baptized, and praying, the heaven was opened” – Luke 3:21
I truly love my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the connection prayer offers me. It is a sacred moment when the heavens are opened to me and I feel His love. My faith in Him gives me hope.
Lastly, having an eternal view gives us hope. It has only recently occurred to me that there are some who struggle with believing they have a purpose in life. I have always felt I had a purpose. I honestly thought it was a natural inclination we are all born with. Where I lost hope was when my actions were taking me away from my purpose.
While shifting my focus from immediate wants and desires can be challenging, I have found when I invest my efforts in learning and developing those things that last eternally I have a greater sense of hope. Nurturing my spiritual needs and satisfying that hunger within regardless of what is going on around me, keeps me grounded and full of hope.
“While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:18
So while I continue on this journey it feels good to honestly say my hope has been restored, I am full of optimism, joy, and happiness. I am excited to see what my future holds and am back to truly enjoying the journey with all of its twists, turns, ups and downs. The downs don’t frighten me anymore, I allow them to teach me.
Now I know my Heavenly Father was sending me a wake up call because he had bigger plans for me. It wasn’t until I understood the value of boundaries and the importance of knowing joy and happiness don’t depend on what is going on outside of me but is derived from within and my connection to Heavenly Father. Knowing this allowed me to build trust in myself and trust that Heavenly Father’s promises also applied to me.
In an Ensign article entitled You Are Royalty, by Kathy Kipp Clayton she states “We have God’s spiritual DNA coursing through our veins. We are His sons and daughters and His heirs. Swat away any deceiving messages, beliefs, or habits that cause you to cower in the corners of your life. Don’t let them nip at your heels and make you feel fearful or hurt. Rise to the level of your eternal stature. You are royalty.” I love that eternal view. As I think about this and all the blessings Christ’s birth has brought us, I am filled with gratitude and peace which is the focus for the second week of advent.
Much Love, Kim
I celebrated my birthday last week. Birthdays have always been important to me. I don’t connect them to getting older or aging. For me, they are a celebration of life and our existence here on earth. Celebrating became even more important as each of my children were born and I experienced the euphoria of bringing a little life into the world, whom God entrusted me to nurture, teach, guide and most importantly love. It has always been essential, to me, to make sure my kids knew how blessed I am they are a part of my life.
My birthday is on Halloween. I love that it is always a celebration day. I have always enjoyed having my birthday on Halloween. I consider my own birthday to be a time of reflection. I check in with myself and ask how am I doing on my goals for the year, am I where I expected to be at this time and what is better or worse than what I expected. I reflect on what I can do different or adjust, in order to achieve my goals, and what do I need to let go of, have faith and turn over to a higher power. Having those questions in mind this birthday was unique for me. At 54, I am faced with being way off from where I thought I would be and having to really redefine myself, my life and my relationships.
So this birthday came with many highs and lows. Navigating my way through the separation and impending divorce caused me to be in a bit of a fragile place. The day started out awesome. I had already had a couple of early celebration dinners with my kids and family. I was receiving texts and posts of birthday wishes. Gifts were left on my front porch and back door. I had a lovely lunch with two of my awesome friends. It was a great celebration.
I marvel at how quickly the day turned, as night came and several seemingly insignificant things occurred that triggered me into the depths of despair. That is the thing about trauma triggers they can sometimes appear out of nowhere. Even with all of the healing work I have done over the last few years I still run into a trigger now and then that throws me back into the past and reliving a painful event. For the last few years I have worked on many triggers and thankfully these come fewer and farther between. Things that used to trigger me don’t any longer. But when I feel vulnerable and am not practicing the regular self care I need to, I can get hit and go down hard.
One of my favorite things to do for fun is art journal. I am not an artist but I like taking a concept, a belief, an event or something important to me and adding a page in my art journal to represent it. Below is my course correct page.
I made the background for this page a map, because this is my guide to follow when I get stressed, triggered, or run off course. At the bottom of the page are the things I need to do on a regular basis to help me stay the course so I don’t need to course correct as often. As was the case on my Birthday I had been very busy during the days leading up to that day and had slipped on doing many of the key items listed at the bottom.
The course correct starts at the top right where it says “mess up” and following the arrows and shapes works me through helpful tools to get back on track. Each of these items deserves a blog post all their own. It starts with repenting, then moves to reaffirming, then using a couple of NLP (Neural Linguistic Programming) cues, then tapping or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), then deep breathing with my hand over my heart and my tongue relaxed, then ask four questions (Byron Katie’s “The Work”), then walk away, and lastly there is a more personal and private tip under the globe if I lift the butterfly’s wing. The nice thing about the course correct is it is a cycle I can repeat as often as needed. Many of the techniques are quick, easy, and help reduce harmful beliefs or triggers on a long term and even permanent basis.
Thankfully, I had some loving friends and family and a good course correction plan to help me out on my birthday. I thought this was important to blog about because it is good, when you are going through hard things, to have a course correction plan. It is also OK to need and use a course correction plan when necessary. Update your plan as you grow and learn about new things. I recently learned about a new app called Mind Warrior that I have started using.
As I continue to work my way through challenging times, I marvel at the gifts, the growth, and the blessings that come my way. I am looking forward to the coming year and new challenges and learning in store.
I will talk more about each of these tools in future blogs and in the mean time try art journaling, and creating a correction plan of your own. 🙂
I have spent some time de-cluttering this summer. At one point I decided to tackle one of the most challenging areas, I stepped into the garage and started looking around trying to figure out where to start. It wasn’t long before I grew overwhelmed and sad. I also grew angry. How could I have allowed such a mess? Admittedly, I began feeling sorry for myself and thinking I just cant do this! I pulled my wagon up to the door and told myself “Snap out of it. Just start with throwing away one wagon full at a time.” I filled my wagon and as I pulled it through my patio. I was struck by the contrast of the beauty in my small herb garden area just on the other side of the wall from that humongous mess. I thought what a great analogy for life. So often we have areas that need work and other areas that are going great. Whether it is in our physical, emotional, or spiritual lives we more than likely have some cleaning up to do somewhere.
For me I had some emotional messes that required my attention. For many years I thought I could overcome some of these messy areas of my emotional life by looking away and focusing only on the positive. I spent my efforts investing in building a life by only focusing on happiness, joy, paying attention to the good, and staying positive.
I lived many years with the belief that time heals all wounds, until the last few years when I hit some extremely challenging circumstances. During this time the messes from my past had built up and they became roadblocks preventing me from overcoming my challenges. Many of these old beliefs about myself, life, and others had perhaps served me at the time. Now they were getting in my way. So going back to the analogy, I was no longer able to shut the doors of the garage and park my cars outside, sit on my lovely patio just on the other side, pretending things were fine.
Focusing on the positive is often a good thing. But, it was time for me to be more courageous and begin the process of healing past traumas and pains one wagon full at a time. Like it or not I was going to have to clean out the garage. This type of emotional cleansing is hard and takes a lot of work. Because our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies are so tightly integrated this has profoundly impacted my entire being. I believe it has helped me build a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father. It has also helped me improve my physical health. Clearing out the trash through healing has opened up space in my heart for greater love, confidence, joy and true peace.
Shawn Achor, who wrote the book The Happiness Advantage, says happiness is “the joy one feels striving for one’s potential.” I love this definition because it means we can be going through really painful things but still experiencing joy if we are moving toward our full potential. Many can go through life never investing in clearing out the garbage. But, in order for me to reach my full potential I had to invest in cleaning out the filth to increase my capacity for growth. I had to face those limiting beliefs holding me back.
This is the journey I have embarked on. As I said, it is hard and uncomfortable. Elder Stanley G. Ellis gave a talk in the October 2017 conference entitled “Do We Trust Him? Hard Is Good”. He reminds us that “Regardless of the issue, hard can be good for those who will move forward with faith and trust the lord and His plan.” As I have taken a step back and looked at each trauma or pain I have come to realize Heavenly Father continues to hand me the same lesson again and again until I truly learn and act on the learning. As I learn I have come to see the gift in every hardship. As I have enlisted the help of my Heavenly Father to take action and began to trust Him and myself, I have began to grow a greater capacity to forgive, to love others, to live authentically and to feel joy in striving toward my full potential. As I share parts of my healing journey and the tools and techniques I used, it is my hearts deepest desire to help others to grow, thrive, feel joy, and move toward their full potential.
Today is my 35th wedding anniversary and I thought it was a good time to take a step back and reflect on my 35 years and moving into the next phase of Life. I am so blessed and thankful for my life and the amazing gifts and lessons it has brought me. I don’t have any regrets. I’m deeply grateful for a 35 year marriage and the life lessons it taught me. I had the luxury of bringing three amazing children into the world, who all have unique and amazing gifts and talents. I have many happy memories. It was a marriage of great times and rough times. In the really tough times of the last few years, I tried to build something new but couldn’t. I had my eyes opened to who I was, how I had been treated and what I was enabling. As sometimes you have to do, I hit rock bottom and had to really begin being truthful with myself. I changed in that experience and can’t ever go back to a place less enlightened. So I am moving forward. I have grieved the loss of many beliefs and concepts like having an ideal marriage, or a marriage until death do us part, or a best friend, or a true partnership.
Through it all my persistent investment in trying so hard to be recognized and worthy of love resulted in: possibly reading way too many self help books 😂, running 5 marathons, and completing 3 triathlon sprints. I landed a great job with a great company, a six figure income, a master’s degree, and lots of things and assets. Some may say I earned success. But I never earned the golden ticket of true peace and happiness. I was often stressed and full of anxiety, until I finally took a step back and created some distance to truly discover me.
Over the course of the last few years, I re-established my relationship with my Heavenly Father and learned of His love. I rebuilt a deep and meaningful understanding of the atonement and the sacrifice my Brother, the Lord Jesus Christ made for me. Now I know peace & love don’t come from the action and words of others. They come from within and through my divinity and the connection to the Divine love of my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and The Holy Ghost.
I now know that putting my needs aside on a regular and consistent basis allows people to take advantage and can end in depletion, poor physical and emotional health, and eventually having nothing left to give. ( I learned this particular lesson way too many times at home and at work. 😀)
I know that the desire to please others and keep the peace at all costs, can end in losing your authentic self and your voice no longer being heard.
I have learned that free agency is for everyone, and as much as I wanted to believe my actions can make others give me the results I desire, it is not true.
I learned it is not my job to protect the ones I love from pain and be a safety net when they act irresponsibly or make bad choices, that is Satan’s plan not free agency.
I have learned my job is to be loving and kind to myself and others. My job is to love, guide and direct my children, keep them safe, cared for and yet, still allow them to have free agency, to build faith and resilience on their own by going through hard things and making their own decisions.
I learned it is my job to establish and enforce my own boundaries and to respect others’ boundaries.
I learned it is my job to love people unconditionally. Unconditional love is a divine right of being sons and daughters of Heavenly Father. It is my job to allow people to be who they are but I don’t have to like or love their behavior, and trusting people is not unconditional.
So I move on to the next chapter of my life with gratitude and a greater sense of peace and happiness, with a willingness to be courageous and do hard things, like speak up for myself and my needs. I know it is OK to make mistakes and it doesn’t make me unlovable. I will not pander for the love and acceptance of others by pleasing them at the cost of sacrificing self. I will learn to lovingly accept, others will disagree with me and it doesn’t diminish my value or my self worth.
I’m forging ahead. Learning to be my authentic self and build healthy relationships that support mutual growth, happiness, laughter, health and love. Knowing there will be hard times and disagreements that will make me stronger and build my faith and resilience.
While some say I tried too hard and stayed too long, others say I didn’t try hard enough or stay long enough. I know my truth. I know I am doing what is right for me right now.
I will be forever thankful for the last 35 Years, the loving family, and intrinsic gifts and lessons it provided to support the next part of my life. As my patriarchal blessing says “there is work for you to do. You have much to give, much talent, and will be an influence for good throughout your life.”
It is my time. Time to heal, time to move forward, time to give back, time to support my children in loving and different ways, time to be an example to my beautiful granddaughter of courage, strength, and living life to the fullest with authenticity and joy, and time to help others who need love, self confidence and support.
This is the place I will blog my journey.